Note: Your essay is off to a great start! Your ideas weave nicely into one another which makes your essay very coherent. Though I would suggest either elaborating your thesis or changing it. It currently seems that you do not believe metaphors are a key factor in medicinal practices but do not state why. However, all the claims you make throughout your essay address and argue the importance of using more positive metaphors in place of the more commonplace military metaphors. This does not relate back to your thesis. Perhaps changing your thesis to stating something along the lines of “Using more uplifting metaphors, such as that the illness is a ‘speedbump’, instead of military metaphors in medical language will increase the overall health of the patient”. For your conclusion, I would just summarize all your claims made and how they relate back to your thesis in one paragraph.
Your end comment proves amazingly specific. Well done. It sounds like you’re giving some great advice. From a distance, it seems as if you’ve left many substantial comments on your peer’s paper. Please be sure to link to the media file so that I can investigate further. Thank you and keep up the great work!